Whitman Big

Whitman Big

One Way or Another, Someone's Getting Hammered

If you've been watching TV lately, you're aware of two things: 

1. 2012 presidential campaigns have begun.
2. Natalie Portman is in every new movie. 

For now, I'm going to focus on number 1 since it is cause for more concern, unless Natalie Portman develops political ambitions thanks to all her recent exposure, making us mere months away from a Portman/Thor presidential ticket.  

Not that she would make a bad president, but I'm a little worried about Thor's temper, which could limit his ability to handle tough questions at a press conference without pounding the reporters into press patties on the White House floor. 

VP Thor:   So, in summation, President Portman feels the best thing for the economy is for everyone to buy No Strings Attached on DVD.  Now I'll take some questions.  Yes, you.

Reporter:   Sam Snotwinkle, Biloxi Bugle-Star-Herald.  What's with the hammer?

VP Thor (mildly annoyed):     Let's stick to policy questions.  OK... you.

Reporter:   Janet Chalupadoodle, Paducah Evening Excretion.  Do you carry a big hammer to compensate for some kind of personal shortcoming?

VP Thor (visibly agitated):      THAT'S NONE OF YOUR... ahem, sorry.  Again, please stay on topic.  Next question.  Umm... you.

Reporter:   Barry Bumfluff, The Political Polyp.  So that's a yes on the shortcoming?

[WHOMP! WHOMP! WHOMP!]

Anyway, I am NOT excited about the start of campaign season because I live in California and just barely survived the 2010 Brown vs. Whitman gubernatorial death match, which was made only slightly more bearable by hearing then-Governor Schwarzenegger have to occasionally pronounce the word gubernatorial.

For those living in one of the 49 states NOT being driven full steam ahead into the ground, I should explain that both candidates spent more money on TV attack ads than a week-long Inflammatory Bowel Convention spends on two-ply, so roughly 90% of last year's TV commercials were campaign ads with more mudslinging than a season of Divorce Court.

At first, I actually was relieved, since the ads displaced clothing commercials for stores like The Gap, Target, and Old Navy, which are required by law to hire advertising models from the Who's Who of Blissfully Hyperactive Sapheads.  After several months, however, I was weary of the daily Category 5 Poop Storm, and thankful that it would end after the approaching election, saving Californians from the increasingly petty ads that otherwise were sure to come:

Pro Whitman Ad: Jerry Brown borrowed a quarter from his son in 1972 and never repaid it.  Meg Whitman has a spotless credit history with her children.  Who would you trust with YOUR money?

Pro Brown Ad: Meg Whitman clips her toenails in bed with no concern for where the clippings land.  Apparently, she's OK with letting other people clean up her mess.  Jerry Brown clips his toenails in the bathroom, and all clippings have, to the best of his recollection, landed in the trash.  If Meg can't clean up her bedroom, how can she clean up California?

Pro Whitman Ad: Jerry Brown microwaved a bag of popcorn for 3 minutes, despite being aware of its suggested popping time of 2 minutes, 50 seconds.  If he just does whatever he wants when making popcorn, do you think he'll do what YOU want when making decisions as governor?

Pro Brown Ad: Meg Whitman bought Park Place during a 1987 game of Monopoly.  Only a total nimrod would buy Park Place.  Jerry Brown has never bought Park Place, and always buys the Railroads.  If you want to pass go, vote Jerry Brown.

So it's understandable that I'm as excited for another campaign season as I'd be about listening to books on tape by Gilbert Gottfried, since no one comes out ahead but the Political Ad Voiceover Guy.  And TV News Political Analysts, or insufferable clods for short.

I realize this may be an unfairly harsh generalization of TV News Political Analysts, but it's important to note that I don't care.  I've never heard any insightful commentary from these buffoons that I couldn't get from a bar of soap, supposing the bar of soap followed politics and could talk.  I will concede, however, that they must be fairly creative to make a living in this profession, considering they are all required, by contract, to:

1. Never, under any circumstances, say something useful.
2. Get paid by the word.

Naturally this provides for some entertaining interviews, so long as you, the viewer, are on at least your third beer.

News Anchor:             For those of you just now joining us, we're discussing the recent statement by presidential hopeful Walt Sleezman in which he claims to prefer Jif peanut butter.

Insufferable Clod:       That's right, Bill.  This could be a calculated move to secure the votes of the coveted Choosy Moms demographic.

News Anchor:             So how will voters react?

Insufferable Clod:       Well, there's a chance they'll react unfavorably, but there's also a possibility they'll support him.  Recent polling indicates that 9 out of 10 people strongly believe they have moms, so this will likely be an important issue, assuming it's not a trivial issue.

News Anchor:             But will this help him or hurt him?

Insufferable Clod:       It will probably help him, as long as it doesn't hurt him.  We'll know for sure after the election.

So we have about 18 months of this to look forward to, and I don't think I can afford the beer.  Then there are the potential attack ads to consider, but I at least have a plan to prevent these.

TO ALL 2012 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES: Fight fair and clean.  If you don't, I'll tell Thor you made fun of his hammer.

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Updated Thursdays.

Poll: Brown Up Big Over Whitman. In the final days, can Whitman win? Why or why not?

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A new poll shows Democrat Jerry Brown with a double-digit lead over Republican Meg Whitman less than a week before voters decide who will be California's next governor.

The Field Poll released Thursday found the former two-term governor leading the former eBay CEO 49 percent to 39 percent among likely voters.

It is the third poll released in the past week showing Brown leading a race considered too close to call a month ago.

A political expert at California State University, Los Angeles says no California gubernatorial candidate in the last 50 years has won after trailing by such a margin this close to an election.

The poll surveyed 1,092 likely voters by telephone Oct. 14-26. It has a sampling error margin of plus or minus 3.2 percentage points.

She may have a smear up her sleeve that she has been sitting on. I think she is toast.

Think Big by Walt Whitman